An Old Person Is A Weird Person

by emneville

I like to think that I’m getting older. I am, but so is a newborn baby. I’m way past getting older. I’m outright getting OLD, and, short of death, there’s nothing I can do about it. Here are some signs that I’m plainly and simply getting old.


I’ve been a fan of the TV show “Law and Order” for nearly its entire 100-year run. I tailed away in later years, so I’ve seen the latter episodes fewer times. That means that it’s less likely that I know the outcome. Even so, I find that I watch only the “law” part, and wait until nearly the end to view the outcome. I’m tired.


I judge my bowel movements. I use the two thumbs up system. The ratings utilize degrees of weak, medium, and strong. The more thumbs ups, the better, and more satisfying, and more voluminous the shit. Liquid shits get judged as well. They start with an automatic two thumbs up. My record is four medium thumbs ups.


I’m careful about blessing my food before I eat it, but not careful enough to remember to do it before I dig my incisors into the first bite every time. Once I realize that I’ve bitten before blessing, I stop. I speak my blessing, and then count the word “hold” 64 times in my mind, just in case God didn’t hear me.


I guess what I’m saying is that getting old is not just a bitch. Sometimes, it’s just kind of weird.